The Greatest Reward
by Grace in Chaos
Summary: Set during the fifth novel, The Greatest Reward explores the back story of Sirius Black through reappearance of an old flame, and secrets long buried are finally uncovered.
1. You Never Can Ignore Something Forever

**Chapter One: You Never Get To Ignore Something Forever**

**Author's Note:** _Just a few notes before you start reading: first, I actually don't own Harry Potter. I know, right? Who would've thought? Second, a link to the playlist for each chapter will be posted on my profile, so definately take a look at that. Finally, I'd really love to hear what you guys think, so REVIEW!! You know you really want to._

_Playlist: Stationary Stationary by Anberlin_

Rathien Westwood lounged against the stone wall outside of the courtroom, waiting for the case to be finished. She didn't know exactly how long it was going to go on, but it felt like she'd been here forever already.

After checking her watch she muttered, "Only ten minutes. Christ."

Turning her head to looking back down the corridor the way she had come, she felt a chill. Being here, not just here in the Ministry, but back here in London, felt so strange. It was like she was coming back to a childhood home after years having been gone. In truth, it was sort of like that. For all intents and purposes, England was more of a home to her than any place had ever been.

"But that was a long time ago." She muttered, pulling her black jacket closer around her body. "I'm not here to reminisce. I'm here for the Order. For Dumbledore."

And that was the plain truth. She wasn't here to connect with the old friends she'd had once, and left now. She wasn't here to visit her old favorite places. She was simply here to do her part for the Order. When Dumbledore had called her, she couldn't exactly tell him that she didn't want to go so she could avoid her memories. She'd just have to suck it up.

When the door to the courtroom was suddenly pulled open, and Dumbledore himself strode out, she pushed herself quickly off the wall and stepped in his path.

Before she could speak, he told her, "He's cleared, just as we predicted. You're plan of action worked just as we wanted it to, despite having to face the entire council. He doesn't realize that you'll be taking him back, so you'll need to explain that to him. Drop by Arthur's office with him before you leave."

And with that he strode off down the corridor, not leaving her a chance to speak. This wasn't like the Dumbledore she'd known in her youth. It wasn't even like the Dumbledore that she'd worked with during Voldemort's last rising. Something was wrong with him, and she didn't really understand what that was.

The door opened again, and Harry emerged. He paused just outside the door, looking vaguely concerned. Clearly he'd been expecting Arthur to still be here.

"Arthur had to go back to work, Harry." She said, walking slowly towards him. Ignoring the pang in her chest as she observed how striking his family resemblance was, she continued. "I'm here to take you back."

He still looked confused, and a mixture of apprehension and fear played across his features. "Um. Who exactly are you?" He asked confusedly.

"Oh, excuse my manners." She laughed. "I'm Rathien Westwood."

She held her hand out to him, and they shook briefly.

"Dumbledore called me in from Romania, for the Order." She explained to him, quietly as to be sure that no one overheard their conversation.

"And how do I know that's true?" He asked.

_Good boy._ She thought. _Analyze the situation_.

Her smile widened, and she gestured for him to follow her. "Because not only did Dumbledore himself just walk out of here past me, but because we're going up to see Arthur. He'll be able to find out the good news, and you'll be able to confirm my identity for you. Sound good?"

He nodded, and they set off to the lifts. As they walked she watched him closely, feeling so strange to be standing with the son of Lily and James. If anything here was going to bring back memories, he sure would. They remained silent for the ride up to the higher level, and she saw that he was watching her closely too. At least he had a good head about him. It was wise to be wary these days. Especially of her.

As they entered the correct level, Rathien led them at a sharp clip. Walking through the Auror's Office was difficult for her, and she hated to be spotted by any of them. Of course she heard sharp exclamations of surprise as they walked, and a few even called out to her. _Damn me for working here_, she thought.

She didn't stop however, refusing to waste her time on things that she wasn't instructed to do. Talking to them was not part of her job, and she refused to do it anymore. She'd had enough of that for a lifetime.

Pulling the door open to the Muggle Studies Office, she shoved Harry in ahead of her.

Arthur looked up from the pile of papers on his desk, his eyes startled at their sudden appearance into his office.

"Harry!" He exclaimed. "How was it?"

"Oh, good. I got off." He said quietly, relief saturating his tone.

"That's fantastic!" He cried. "Of course you did! I told you'd that they'd understand, did I?"

Harry smiled at him, and there was a moments silence. Then Arthur registered that there was another presence in the room.

Turning to look at Rathien, his eyes widened in surprise. "Rathien? Rathien Westwood?"

"Yes, Arthur, it's me." She said, trying to sound as upbeat as possible. And failing miserably. "I'm here to take Harry back to Headquarters."

"Of course!" He said, sitting back down in his chair. "Dumbledore told me that you'd be here for that, yes, I remember. I still wonder why though. Could it really be that dangerous going back?" He alluded to her reputation for defensive magic.

"No, I don't think so Arthur. It seems to me that it was just more convenient for me to bring him. I just arrived an hour or so ago, and I'll be heading the Headquarters now anyway." She explain, rather stiffly. Even after only a minute or so, she was exhausted with conversation. Perhaps she'd have been better off in Bucharest, after all. Perhaps she shouldn't have even come here.

"Sure, sure." He said, obviously getting the same awkward vide she was.

Deciding to just end this crap, she clasped her hands and said, "Well, we'll be off, then. See you this evening, Arthur?"

"Yes, of course. See you shortly." He said. "And congratulations, Harry."

With that, they left the Ministry. Rathien had carefully considered their route back earlier, and decided that it was probably best to just take the regular Muggle way. All forms of magical transportation were capable of being traced, and they just couldn't afford to take that chance. _And it'll take you longer to get there_, she thought privately. Furious with herself for having this discussion once again, she pounded along the sidewalk, forcing Harry to jog slowly to keep up with her long strides.

Once they had gotten through the underground, they found themselves walking across a park as a shortcut. Glancing to her right, Rathien spotted a bench and decided to give poor Harry a break. _Or yourself_, she thought.

"Why are we stopping?" Harry asked, sitting down with a grateful sigh.

"I just figured that we could use a break." She said quietly, sitting down next to him.

She heard the skepticism in his silence, so she figured that she might as well be honest with him. And herself.

"It might be that I'm a little reluctant to go back there." She admitted.

"Why?"

"Well, I haven't seen any of them in a very long time. Twenty years, give or take."

"And you're afraid it will be…awkward?"

"It's not just that." She sighed. "Sirius and I…well, you could say that we go way back."

"You used to date?" He guessed. "What happened? You guys just broke up?"

"It's not exactly that simple." She said, looking out across the park. "Sirius and I…we had a very complicated relationship. To say that we just 'used to date' doesn't really even begin to scratch the surface." She sighed, and looked back at Harry. "We started out as friends, you see. All of us, Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter. I wouldn't say that I was part of the group, because I most certainly wasn't. Yet I was friendly with all of them. Mostly I handled them as separate friendships, and never was with them as a group. Don't ask me why, I couldn't really tell you that. Without delving into a very complicated situation, let's just stick to me and Sirius. You see, we sort of bonded early on with out familial relations…which I really don't want to delve into either. But we had certain similarities that only we could really understand. Things about expectations and feeling like an outcast in our more dark-magic loving families…that's something that we could only really talk to with each other. Sirius wouldn't go too far into that with the guys…it broke his macho reputation. As for me, well…I was friendly with several girls, but my best girlfriend was probably your mom…and I just couldn't tell that to her. I didn't…I don't know. I just never really could do that. I was embarrassed, I guess. So Sirius and I were close, but it was….well, different. To a certain extent, I felt like we had a really deep friendship, but at the same time it seemed like he and I were distant in this sort of mysterious way." She shrugged. "That probably sounds completely stupid." She closed her eyes briefly, exhausted by giving such a quick summation of such a complex situation.

"No," Harry protested, "that makes sense to me, sort of. I think I know what you're trying to say."

She laughed, shoving his shoulder. "Thank God. Because I just don't think that I really know what I'm trying to say. It's more of an emotional thing…not so easily put into words.'

'So anyway, Sirius and I stayed this way for a few years. I guess that I always felt that attraction to him, but I never wanted to go there. It just felt like we had too much in our friendship to risk loosing it all by a failed relationship.'

'So we each dated and all of that. But in our fifth year things changed. We had this Christmas dance, and things got heated. Jealousy and all that good stuff. To make a long story short, we ended up dating then. We both knew that it was this big thing…that this was really pivotal, and couldn't just be some sort of quick fling. We depended on each other too much for that, and neither of us would be able to return to our friendship if this failed.'

'But obviously, it did fail. In our sixth year I caught Sirius and this other girl in a corridor in a…compromising position." She paused. "Needless to say, I broke up with him. Things were rough for a long time, and he kept insisting that I didn't understand, but I wouldn't listen. Eventually, James made me listen. You see, your dad and I were also friends. People used to call us twins...because we were like brother and sister. So he forced me to hear what Sirius had been trying to tell me—that this other girl had slipped Sirius a love potion and he couldn't help himself."

"So what happened then? Why didn't you get back together?" Harry asked after a few moments of silence.

"Well…I guess that's really my fault. By then, I'd convinced myself that Sirius and I were never meant to be. I'd really erased him from my life, not really to the better, but he wasn't part of who I was anymore. I guess none of the Marauders were after that point. And Lily. They all sided with the logical point…that Sirius was right, and I was a bitch for never forgiving him.'

'But what they didn't understand was the complication that had arisen with my new boyfriend, Henry. He was a vampire, also a wizard, and had transferred into Hogwarts in our sixth year. I'd had this really strange connection to him, and things got really ridiculous. We began dating just before seventh year, and….well." She chuckled. "Henry and I…well, we had to work hard at things because most people tend to look down on vampires in wizarding society." She paused. "And after we graduated, Henry and I stayed together. I worked with the Order and became an auror and…that was my life. But I we noticed that I wasn't aging typically. I'd sort of halted, or rather slowed down, I guess. After a lot of figuring and research, we discovered that…we discovered that soul mate principle."

Harry gave her a confused sort of look and was about to question when she interrupted him.

"Basically, it's this connection between a vampire and a mortal. It's usually a muggle, so Henry and I were….well, considered sort of…well, we were looked down on. Anyway, we were connected at this most basic level: blood. My blood was the most….well, the perfect match for him. It was the blood that perfectly complimented him, and fed him best. We were connected in our minds, our hearts, everything. The soul mate principle is very complete. The mortal often ages very slowly, to match the pace that their vampire is at. So I'm physically about 25 right now, even though I'm really in my 40s."

"Wow."

"I know, right?" She asked, grinning at him. "It's a lot to take in. So let's just finish this story quickly. I lost most contact with my old friends, that is your parents and the other guys. I wasn't at the wedding, your birth, their death, their funeral, Sirius's imprisonment…not anything."

"So you've been with this Henry ever since?" He asked.

"Yes. We moved to Bucharest after Voldemort had been silenced, and have been there ever since." After a pause she added, "That is, until Dumbledore called me in for the order. Apparantly he needs me here in London." She sighed. "Time to get the old crew together again."

"So what about Henry?" Harry asked.

"What about Henry?"

"Is he still in Bucharest?"

"Of yes, of course. He's part of the governing council of the coven there. He'll probably come here soon as an ambassador for the vampires, once they've agreed to help in the fight against darkness."

"So the vampires probably will join us?"

"Well, no. Not _all_. But the Bucharest coven probably will. They're one of the oldest and most prestigious, so that's definitely a good thing. After they join, we're hoping that other covens will follow suit."

She stood then, motioning for Harry to do the same. "But now isn't the time or place to talk about that." After glancing around she said, "We'd probably better get over to headquarters. I'm sure everyone's curious to hear how your case went."

He stood, following suit. Something in her expression stopped him from responding. For a minute, he felt like she was much more than he had yet to see. Something about the fierce intensity of her expression led him to understand how she held her own with vampires, and just what kind of person she had been forced to become. She was definitely someone that he wouldn't want to cross, that was for sure.

"Are you all right?" She asked, looking keenly at him, dispersing all of his wonderings about her. She'd slipped right back into that carefully cultivated façade, and Harry wondered just when she ever let her masks slip. He wondered just how many masks she had…

"Harry?" She asked again, beginning to wonder about the boy. He was looking at her like…like he could see right through her. Like Sirius could. Like James. Like Lilly. Just the way she didn't want to be looked at. Not ever again. _I shouldn't have told him_, she thought bitterly. "Are we going?" She asked him, her voice coloring with the first hints of distaste.

"Oh, yeah….sure." He managed, still clearly wondering just who the hell this was that Dumbledore had sent him.

"Then follow me closely. Don't fall behind, because you can bet that Voldemort would love to get his hands on you. And that won't happen on my watch."

It was eerily familiar to her, taking this route to the Black house. Eerily familiar because she _had_ taken this route before. It had been back when she was just 16, but it wasn't exactly a trip that she'd easily forget.


	2. You'll Never Be The Same After

**Chapter Two: You'll Never Be the Same After You've Been Different**

**Author's Note:** Firstly, I don't actually own Harry Potter. Can you believe it? Second, I'd like to thank all of the great people (all three of you) who've either story alerted or reviewed this story!! It's really awesome that you guys are liking this, so please keep giving me feedback to let me know what you think. You know that writing goes faster when you get reviews  Anyway, enjoy this chapter! I'm sorry that it took me so long to post, but this past week did include my final exam for my math class. Anyway, I've decided to dedicate it to alli9008, who's not only my friend in real life, but who also is the only one who's given a review. Thanks alli!

_Playlist: _

_For the Flashback: I Need You by Relient K_

_For the Rest: Curl Up and Die by Relient K_

_*Note on the playlist: If you guys are anything like me, you probably skip the playlist a lot. Well, I really must insist this time ____ As you see, I have a special Relient K theme for this chapter, since I'm going to one of their concerts in the near future! So any Relient K fans reading this, give yourself a cookie! You're super!_

*Flashback to summer just after Rathien's Fifth Year at Hogwarts*

_It was just twilight, with plenty of day still left before the darkness took over London. I was in the bathroom at the train station, staring at myself in the mirror. I smoothed my pale pink long sleeved tee shirt one more time over my white jean skirt, and adjusted my hat on my head. I didn't think that I looked all that bad. Certainly presentable enough to meet his family. Except for the hat, I thought as I pulled it off my chestnut locks. I couldn't walk in to meet them with that on. I might like it, but I had to be perfectly presentable for them. I had to. Even though Sirius preached so much about how he couldn't care less whether or not his family liked me, I knew that it mattered. I knew that even though he'd claimed to have lost all ties with them, that he still wanted their approval. I knew that because I felt the same way about my own family. And there was no way in hell I would admit it, so I wouldn't say anything to Sirius either._

_As I walked out of the bathroom, I found Sirius leaning against a wall casually. His hair fell in a gentle shock around his eyes, gleaming light brown in the remaining rays of the sun. I was struck again by his looks, by his almost model-like appearance. Something caught in my chest as I saw the expression in his eyes. Words just couldn't define what I saw there._

_"Ready?" I asked, walking slowly up to him._

_"Of course, Rose." He smiled at me. "It's time to meet the folks."_

_As they were walking I looked at him and asked, "So just why are we walking, again? I mean, why didn't they just pick us up?"_

_"Well, they figure that they come over here to get the luggage, and since we're just in Gryffindor we should walk ourselves back. It's the least that we can do." He sneered. "I tell you, the moment that I turn 17…" He trailed off._

_He meant he'd do the same thing that I'd already done. What I'd done at 12. Shed the familial layers. Get them gone. I'd been forced. My family…they were just too far away and just too damn stubborn. It was either Hogwarts or them. They'd given me the choice. And I made it gladly – I'd never really liked them in the first place. Even if that meant I did have to give up Scotland forever._

_"Well, at least you have a place to stay." I grumbled. He knew what I was referring to. The fact that I hated having to beg off on friends every summer, ferrying from one place to another just to keep a roof over my head. He also heard the resentment that I'd tried so hard to keep out of my voice, the resentment that he'd just stayed on with the Blacks and not had the balls to do what I'd done. To just man up and leave already. It wasn't like being underage really matter in the grand scheme of things. My family got over it. So would his. _

_"You always have a place." Sirius said softly. "You know that we'll always take you in. One of us always will. Especially me. You know that you can count on me, Rose."_

_I smiled at him, taking his hand. I could. I knew that I could always count on him. Unlike so many others in my life, Sirius was different. Special. _

_And that was his specialty. Understanding when I was angry, even when I was angry at him, and just smoothing it over. I honestly appreciated that about him._

_At the same time, I didn't tell him about the times I'd spent on the streets, homeless until term started. I couldn't tell him how ashamed I was of having to beg homes off my friends. He wouldn't understand. He'd insist that true love didn't need to hesitate to ask the other for anything. That's what love was all about. _

_And I believed him. Didn't I?_

_"What are you thinking about?" He asked, appearing to have been watching me._

_"Nothing." I answered._

_"You're not thinking about nothing, Rai. I know you. Don't try to hide anymore."_

_"What makes you think I'm hiding?" I asked, suddenly defensive again._

_"Rose," he murmured, stopping and putting his hand on my arm. "Don't do that."_

_"Don't do what?" I snapped._

_"Act like this! I swear to God, you just have to have so many mood swings! Just let it all go! Let it go and just relax! You can't doubt yourself forever."_

_We were silent for a moment, just looking at each other. Deep down, I understood that he was right. There was no way that I was making any sense by acting like this. I couldn't keep judging myself and waiting for everyone around me to turn on me. I needed to relax, as Sirius had said, and finally let people in._

_"I'm sorry." I murmured, stepping in closer to him. "I know that you're right. It's just…sometimes it's hard. I don't know how to just…" I gestured in the air helplessly, trying to make him understand._

_"I know." He said. "Do you think that I've never felt that way? My family's been horrible to me too, and I have to deal with that everyday. My mother…she always goes on about how I'm not good enough, and yeah…after a while, it sort of makes you doubt people in general. I mean, if the woman who gave birth to me can treat me like I'm some sort of second-class, second-rate bum, then how could anyone else ever feel any differently?" He paused. "But families…love, that doesn't exactly come in the most traditional ways. Our relatives can hate us, but that doesn't mean everyone always will. Look at James. Look at how he's acted like my brother, like your brother. Both of us have biological siblings, yet neither of them has ever acted half the way James has. That's why we choose our families. We choose to love, and we choose to accept love from those that are worthy. You just need to remember that."_

_I was speechless. Sirius was always so…cocky and arrogant, sure of himself and almost shallow at times. I knew about his family, and how that affected him, but I never really understood how he could just shrug it all off so often. How could Sirius have figured out something so profound? Was he really at peace with his reality?_

_I smiled at him, stepping into his embrace. "I love you." I said, reaching out to him with those words. Three words, but words that I had never said before. Not to anyone._

_He stilled, but then managed to relax, as his arms held me impossibly tighter. "I love you too."_

_*End Flashback*_

She shook her head, trying to get rid of the memories that plagued her. Back then, she'd thought that everything was finally coming together. But shortly thereafter, everything just went to hell. Like always. She only hoped that the next experience in the Black house would prove to be different. Unfortunately, she didn't really know if that would be possible.

"Okay…stop." She said to Harry. "Close your eyes, and think about what you know."

She glanced over at him, just to be sure. Following suit, she shut her own eyes, and chanted _…number twelve grimund palace…number twelve…headquarters of the order…_ When she opened her eyes, she was greeted by the sight of that familiar door, still complete with it's snake knocker.

Sighing, she grabbed Harry by the arm and dragged him through the door. She didn't let go of him as she strode to the kitchen, pushing the door aside roughly. She released him as soon as they crossed the threshold into the warm kitchen, and he stumbled a few steps ahead of her.

As she had expected, the kitchen fell silent at their entrance. Maybe she even had planned it that way. Harry half-turned to look at her, and she crossed her arms over her chest. Looking slowly around the room, she saw what she assumed were various members of the Weasley family (due to their vivid red hair), along with…of course, Sirius. She met his eyes last, and watched how he was sitting frozen at the table, a cup of tea still half-way to his lips. Part of her wanted to play everything down, make a joke, sit down. Another part of her wanted to run out of here crying. Another part of her wanted to run over to Sirius and throw her arms around him.

So of course she did none of the above. Instead she stood there, feeling like a complete fool, staring a Sirius like she couldn't bear to look away.

"Harry!" Mrs. Weasley cried finally.

_Thank God for that woman_, Rathien thought, finally able to look away from Sirius.

"How did it go, dear?"

"Oh, um, well. Really well. I got off." He managed.

"Oh Harry! Of course I knew it…" A girl with rather bushy hair started that Rathien didn't know.

Allowing herself to drift out of focus, Rathien moved to sit down at the table. Across from Sirius. She figured she might as well just have this out now, while everyone else was busy with Harry and the news of his trial.

"So I'm here." She said lamely, shrugging her shoulders.

"So I see." He responded.

She was momentarily shocked. His voice was different. Not just from age, but gruff, alluding to the trials he'd been through since. It wasn't just his voice either. His entire countenance was different. While before he'd been healthy, handsome, and so full of life, now he was just a shell of that. His sunken face looked at her as if it had died a long time ago, and just wasn't sure why it was still going on with this life. Or at least what was left of life.

"I'm sorry, Sirius." She blurted out. "I should've done something…I could've gotten them to see that you never could…"

"Rathien, stop." He interrupted. "There wasn't anything you could have done. They weren't going to give me a trial no matter what."

"Still, I…I heard about it, and…I just I didn't do anything. I'm so sorry." _Why are we talking about this right now, _she wondered.

He was silent for a moment, then suddenly smiled. "This isn't really how I pictured our reunion, you know." _Obviously_.

She grinned in response, suddenly feeling like maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

But of course she just had to think that too soon.

"Why are you here Rathien?" He asked quietly, his grin fading completely from his face. "Why did you come back?"

"Dumbledore asked me to." She responded immediately, her answer rehearsed.

"Yeah, but Dumbledore's not a dictator. No one forced you to come back here."

"Well, I guess that I'm sorry that my being here puts you out so much!" She cried, hurt surging through her, even as she tried to dispel it. It wasn't like she'd wanted to have any sort of…anything…with Sirius. She'd severed that long ago, and wasn't here for any sort of reconciliation. It would be natural for him to not want her here. But it still hurt when he treated her so callously.

"Rathien…" He murmured. "Don't. You know that not what I meant."

She looked away from him, doing her best to bring her voice back to normal. "I know. It's just…this is hard for me to do. First picking up Harry…now you…" She trailed off, not wanting to betray how seriously this had affected her. Seeing all these faces, being reminded of all the people she'd been so distanced from, made her realize just how much she might have missed in her life.

Sirius seemed to understand, like always, and simply nodded. How could he still understand her? How could sitting here with him feel like they hadn't been apart a day in their lives, instead of twenty years?

"Well, look who's finally here!" Sirius cried out to the rest of the room, making his voice light and friendly. She appreciated his effort.

Smiling, she stood. "Hello everyone." _Christ_, she thought. This whole thing is awkward. Even just greeting everyone in this room. And most of them didn't even know her.

"Rathien, it's so good to see you again." Molly gushed, giving her a quick hug. "Now, let's see. You don't know any of my children, do you?" Rathien shook her head, indicating no. "This is Ron, my youngest boy, and Ginny my daughter." She pointed out, starting across the room. "Over there are Fred and George, my twins. Now, this young lady is Hermione Granger, she's one of Harry's friends."

"It's so nice to meet you all." Rathien said, quickly scanning over them all. "I'm Rathien Westwood." She briefly considered elaborating, but decided that she might as well not bother. It wasn't like telling anything about herself to children was a good idea. After all, she couldn't afford them blabbing all over about her, especially with the current state of things with Voldemort.

"Rathien's here for the Order." Sirius explained, standing up. "Dumbledore called her in."

"Are you _the_ Rathien Westwood?" The girl named Hermione asked, pushing her way closer to Rathien.

"The one and only." She responded wryly. "Unless I have a clone out there somewhere…"

No one laughed at her feeble attempt at a joke, and she sighed. Apparently her sense of humor would do her no good here.

"Yes." She said again simply.

"Is it true that you hold the record for most dark wizards captured by an Auror? That you actually beat Moody?" She queried eagerly.

Rathien smiled at the girl, clearly liking the way the conversation was heading. There was nothing like talking about one's own accomplishments.

"Yes, that's true. How did you know about that?" She asked, stepping closer to the girl.

"Well, I read about you in a book of biographies of famous living wizards, and I was just so impressed by everything it said you've accomplished. I mean, the strides that you taken to ensure vampire rights in wizarding society, and the work you did to rehabilitate wizards that have been bitten by vampires and werewolves. And not to mention your career as an Auror, and all the records you hold with that, and then of course you even have so much success with Quidditch…" She stopped for breath.

"Quidditch?" One of the Weasley twins chimed in, suddenly interested. "You play Quidditch? Professionally?"

"Every major team wishes that she would." Sirius said, now lounging a few feet away again a counter. "She got an offer from England in her seventh year at Hogwarts."

"What position did you play?" The other twin asked. Rathien was annoyed that she couldn't tell them apart. Couldn't they were name tags or something?

"Chaser." She responded, grinning. "But I also play a mean Beater on occasion."

"Awesome! Maybe we could go sometime and you could…" The twin started, only to be cut off by his mother.

"Now, really, Fred. Let the poor woman be. She clearly had a long journey and probably wants to get some rest." Molly scolded. "And it's not like she'll even have time for any of that foolishness anyway – too busy with the order, she'll be."

"Actually Molly," Rathien started quietly, "it's things like Quidditch that I think we need to keep thriving the most. Without any of that, without anything fun, all we have left is this nagging fear and a fight to the death against darkness. I'd be enough to drive anyone completely insane. Or completely depressed. You choose."

There was silence for a moment, and she noticed that Sirius was watching her keenly, his expression a mix of so many emotions that she couldn't even begin to decipher was he was feeling or thinking. He merely was, existing on the periphery of her life, unreachable and unattainable, farther away from her than he had ever been before.

Suddenly she was more exhausted than she had ever been in her life.

"You know, I am actually tired, though." She said to the room at large. "I think that I'll just go upstairs and rest for a while."

As soon as she was out of the room, she leaned against the wall outside the door. Part of her was relieved that she was done with that first awkward confrontation, that she could now just _be_ here. Another part of her, part that she tried desperately to quiet, was disappointed that more didn't happen. It was difficult to understand exactly what she'd wanted. After all, she hadn't seen Sirius in so many years, she had figured that they would…she didn't know. All she really understood was that she wanted _more_. More of a reaction from him.

At the same time, she felt like she'd gotten too much. His face alone was etched with so much grief that it almost hurt to look at him. Some small part of her wondered if she could have helped him. If they had still been together, if his whole life would have been…different. Could she have stopped him from going after Pettigrew instead of going straight to Dumbledore? Would anything have been different at all? Was part of his grief an emptiness in his life that he'd never been able to fill? Was that an emptiness that she filled? Did she have that same empty hole? Did her face look like that when she looked at, or even thought about, him?

She'd never know.

Angry, she spun sideways and hurled her fist at the wall, letting the pain of the impact and the bang it made as a testament to her inner complexes. She didn't want to feel any of this. She didn't want to have to deal with any of this.

All she really wanted to do was run away. To run like she had so many years ago. Unfortunately, she'd run so far that she'd know come back to the starting point. And that meant dealing with everything she'd been so stubborn to force away.


	3. Everything Was Different Then

**Chapter Three: Everything Was Different Then**

**Author's Note: Okay, readers. This is one LONG chapter. But since I haven't updated in what seems like forever, I feel like I owe it to you. Initially I didn't intend it to end up this long, but one thing led to another and I just couldn't stop. I actually wanted to include more, but after it reached a certain point, I figured that I should leave it off. I also wanted to put in a sorting hat song, but that was taking WAY too long, and just didn't work out well. So the playlist is listed below, and you will find links on my profile! Please, please, please REVIEW! If you do, I may just name a character after you *hint, hint*.  
**

Playlist:

Initial Paragraph and After the Flashback: _Coming To Terms by Carolina Liar_

Flashback: _The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls_ and _You Were Born for This by Tremolo_

Rathien looked in the mirror one last time before she headed downstairs for the Order meeting. She'd changed since she'd first gotten here, which had become a necessity after she'd taken a nap earlier. Undecided on what to wear, she'd settled for her favorite pair of jeans and a black button-up blouse. Smoothing her hair back from her face, she felt her stomach clench and unclench. She'd have to face even more people now, plus she'd probably have to give a report on her progress and all that goodness. It was bound to be pure torture. At that thought she froze while facing her reflection. What had happened to her? Why was she acting with so much dread and unwillingness to be in the spotlight? Hadn't that once been what she loved most? Being striking and unstoppable? Having people notice her as she walked past, not giving a damn what anyone else thought or said? How had she gotten so lost along the years? Thinking back, she'd always been better able to handle herself than this. Even when she first arrived at Hogwarts and was terrified inside at where she was, what she was, and what she'd done to get there, she's still been confident in herself, ready to take on the world.

_Flashback – Rathien's Arrival at Hogwarts for her First Year_

_King's Cross Station was bustling with people on the day that I was set to take my trip to Hogwarts for the first time. It was hot for the first day in September, and I was glad that I had decided to wear shorts. Looking around, I realized that I had no idea where I was supposed to be going. My ticket said that I should take the train from platform nine and three-quarters, but I was pretty sure that had to be a mistake. Who ever heard of a platform nine and three-quarters? Did such a thing even exist?_

_Feeling an unpleasant twist in my stomach, I realized that maybe in England it did. I'd never been out of Scotland before now, so for all I knew that was something completely normal here. Surveying the busy station, I realized that I only had a few options. Since I was standing near the divider between platforms nine and ten, I couldn't just look around for the correct platform. If it wasn't here, I'd never be able to find it. So then I could ask someone who worked here. But something inside me felt like that wouldn't really work out well. _

_Undecided, I looked down at the small cat was perched on top of my trunk. She looked up at me and meowed softly, giving me that look that made me think she knew exactly what she was doing, and was just enjoying laughing at me._

_"Stupid cat." I muttered, scratching her head. I didn't even know why I'd bought her, really. I'd been in Diagon Alley for about three days at that point, staying at the Leaky Cauldron before being able to take the train to school. I'd already gotten all of the books and supplies that I'd needed, and I was bored. So what else does an eleven year old do? Obviously go to the pet shop._

_"And that's where I fell in love with you, stupid cat." I said with affection._

_Truthfully, I'd loved this little black cat from the first moment I saw her. I'd even loved her once I found out her ridiculous name. Onyx. For a black cat, that was just really predictable. But I couldn't help myself. I'd never been allowed to have any sort of pet before this, and my invitation to Hogwarts said that students were allowed to have their own animals._

_"So which way, cat?" I asked her, looking around us again. If I didn't figure this out soon, I would definitely miss the train. And what would I do then? It wasn't like I could exactly go home, was it?_

_"…And they have this amazing hat, Mum! It's supposed to put you in the right house, but I just don't understand how that could possibly work! Oh mum!! Hogwarts is going to be so amazing…" I heard a girl's excited voice say from somewhere behind me._

_I quickly turned to find a family rapidly approaching me. In the lead was a girl about my age, with flaming red hair and a cat of her own in her arms. She was flanked by what I assumed where her parents, the mother sporting the same vivid hair as her daughter. Off to the side of them was a much younger girl, who had such a desolate expression on her face I quickly looked back to the girl that was leading the way. She'd said Hogwarts to her parents. So clearly she was going to be getting on the train that I was supposed to be finding. So at least I could follow them to the platform. I grinned at my good luck. Everything was working out just like I'd wanted it to._

_"But where is the platform?" The mother asked, looking to the father. "What do they mean by nine and three-quarters?"_

_Taking this as my opportunity, I approached them with a smile on my face._

_"I couldn't help but overhear you guys." I started, hauling my trunk over to them. "I was trying to find platform nine and three-quarters too."_

_"Oh, hi!" The girl said to me, grinning. "I actually read that to get there you had to walk straight through the wall over there." She pointed._

_Shocked, I looked at her in bewilderment. "Guess that I should have read that book, hey? I'd definitely never have figured that out!"_

_"So you must be muggle-born too, right?" The girl asked me. When I nodded, she looked relived. "Good. I was hoping that there would be other people that didn't know too much about all this." She gestured around to the station at large._

_"I _totally_ know what you mean." I replied, also relieved more than I could even imagine. After going through all this alone, it was nice to meet someone else that understood. Sort of. After all, she was standing here with her parents. It wasn't like I'd find mine standing next to me, waving me off to magic-school happily. If they were here right now, I'd probably be clubbed and dragged out of here. I'd definitely never be let out of Scotland. _

_"Are you sure, sweetie?" The mother asked the girl, looking uncertainly at the very solid-looking wall._

_"There's only one way to find out!" I said, striding directly to the wall._

_"I'm coming with!" The other girl giggled, taking my hand and running at the wall with me._

_We both squeezed our eyes shut, bracing for the inevitable impact with the very solid-looking wall. But then no impact ever came. They simply kept running, way past where the wall should have been._

_Stopping, I opened my eyes. What I saw in front of me was nearly enough to take my breath away. A gleaming red train stood waiting in front of me, shining and puffing, just waiting to carry me off to my destiny._

_"Wow." The girl said quietly next to me._

_"I know, right?" I said, turning to her with a smile. "My name's Rathien, by the way. Rathien Westwood."_

_She grinned at me in return, "Lily Evans. I'm really glad to meet you!"_

_As her family started filing in from behind us, I took that as my cue to move off. "Well, I guess that I'll see you on the train, then!"_

_"Okay!" She called as I walked away._

_Walking onto the train was one of the most terrifying and exciting moments of my life. After everything that I'd had to do to get here, I was finally standing here with other witches and wizards. I was finally going somewhere that I would belong, where I would be welcomed and cared about. Hopefully._

_I chose to sit in an empty compartment, not really having to guts to just randomly go up to a group of people and weasel my way in with them. The way I saw it, I would just have to let people come to me. And sure, that might not be setting a very good precedent, but I just couldn't bring myself to give a care. After all, maybe the girl from earlier would come and sit with me. She was clearly a first year like me, and she'd said that she wasn't from a wizard family. So maybe she wouldn't know anybody either._

_Sure enough, a few moments later the door to my compartment was slid open, and Lily poked her head in._

_"Hi Rathien! Do you mind if I sit in here?"_

_I smiled at her, "No, that would cool!"_

_"Good." She replied, hauling her own trunk in._

_As she sat across from me, I noticed her rather large cat again. She was almost the polar opposite of my own, physically at least. Whereas Onyx was jet black, her cat was white with perfect circular patches of tan on her back._

_"What's your cat's name?" I asked, watching as it leapt from her lap to settle in the other corner of the compartment._

_"Oh, Lillian." She answered. "She's my parents, really. But they let me take her to school with me so I could feel more connected to home." She laughed, adding, "Apparently they want me to go broke feeding this porker."_

_I laughed at that, shaking my head. "She's not so bad…" Lily gave me a look and I laughed even harder. "Okay, well, maybe she is."_

_"So where you here alone? I didn't see you parents or anyone with you back on the platform." She commented, adjusting herself in her seat._

_I looked down for a moment, unsure what I should actually say to her. "No, I came here by myself. I guess that you could say that my parents aren't all that supportive of me going to Hogwarts, and…well, there still back in Scotland."_

_"Scotland?" She questioned, clearly intrigued. "I guess that you do sort of have an accent – I never really noticed. But doesn't Hogwarts only usually admit students from England?"_

_"I don't really know for sure." I replied. "I got a letter from the magic school in Scotland too, but I guess that Hogwarts wanted me too, for some reason."_

_"It was definitely a good choice to come here." She said, sounding like she was going to bust out a fact she'd learned. "I read that Hogwarts has been ranked as one of the top schools of magic in the world!"_

_"I kind of figured something like that." I said, sort of lying. The reality of my choice to go to school in England was just so that I would be as far from my parents as I could possibly get._

_After that we ended up just talking about everything. About nothing. Lily was one of those people that I connected with and could sense that we might be able to become friends. Hopefully._

_Eventually, after talking about what classes we'd loved and hated in muggle school, we got talking about where we where from._

_"So what's Scotland like?" She asked. "Is it much different from here?"_

_"Well, it's really not that different, it's just….I don't know. It's sort of hard to explain. It's very green there, verdant you could say. There's something about the air, about the way the ground feels when you walk on it. It's almost as if…I don't know. It's almost as if the land _holds_ you or something. It's a very special place."_

_"It sounds like you're going to miss it." She commented._

_"Well, see you'd think. But actually not." How could I explain this to her without actually telling her the whole story? "My family and I, well we were never very close. It's kind of complicated, but I guess that me being a witch has always kind of put a wedge in things. And when I got my letter, well. They don't really want very much to do with me anymore."_

_She looked stricken at that, and I figured that I'd been right in guessing that she was from one of those perfect little happy families. Typical._

_"I'm so sorry, Rathien! I didn't mean to pry or anything, I just…"_

_I interrupted her. "It's okay. Really. I'm totally fine." I smiled at her, hoping to reassure her. In truth, I really didn't know if I was okay or not. I'd ended up running away from home, and I was smart enough to understand the ramifications of that. But I really did think that I was okay, for the most part. I would have to be, because I always was._

_We were both silent for a moment, just sitting together comfortably. When the snack trolley came, we each bough a pumpkin pasty. Neither of us was really hungry, but we were so intrigued by the title 'pumpkin pasty' that we just had to try them._

_After it grew dark we quickly changed into our new school robes, preparing to finally get off the train for Hogwarts. _

_"Are you nervous?" She asked me, looking like she definitely was._

_After a slight pause, I answered, "No." I didn't think that my answer was really totally truthful, but I wasn't afraid. Plus, Lily looked like she could use some support right now._

_She snorted softly, not really believing me either. "I'm just worried about what House I'll get put into."_

_"House?" I was confused. What did she mean?_

_"There's four of them at Hogwarts." She began. "They're where you live, like dormitories."_

_"How are they divided up?" I asked._

_"Well, I read that there's a hat that they put on each first year's head, and it tells them what house they'll be in." She continued, "Most people think that Gryffindor is the best, it's supposed to be for the brave and bold. Ravenclaw is definitely next, for the smartest. Huffelpuff is way last I'd guess, because apparently they just take anybody left that the other houses don't want."_

_"What about the fourth?" _

_"Oh, Slytherin." She said. "Well, it's a rival to Gryffindor, I guess. But it has a reputation for producing some rather unsavory wizards."_

_"So where do you want to go?" I asked, curious. I hoped that we'd get put in the same house._

_"Well, I guess that I'm leaning toward Gryffindor." She started, only to be interrupted by our compartment door sliding open._

_A boy about our age with greasy black hair stepped in. "Gryffindor?" He asked. "What about Slytherin? I've heard that they're the very best house."_

_"Sev!" Lily cried, smiling and standing up to give him a hug. "Where have you been? I looked for you when the train took off, but I couldn't find you!"_

_"Oh, I was sitting with a group of people." He explained. "They're all from wizard families, and they were explaining things to me. Like how I should definitely want to get in Slytherin."_

_Lily looked uncertain for a moment, then suddenly realized that I was sitting there too. "Oh, Sev, this is Rathien Westwood! I met her at the station when we were both trying to figure out the whole platform nine and three-quarters thing." She turned to me, "And Rathien, this is Severus Snape, an old friend of mine."_

_I smiled at him, holding my hand out to shake. "It's nice to meet you."_

_"You too." He said, shaking my hand quickly before dropping it._

_"So why is Slytherin supposed to be so great?" I asked him as he sat down next to Lily._

_"Well, it's supposed to be the most prestigious house, for the most cunning witches and wizards. The only way to greatness is through Slytherin, I've heard."_

_"I don't exactly think that's totally true, Sev." Lily said, still unsure. "It just seems like I've heard about all these wizards that have come from Slytherin and went bad."_

_"Where did you heard that?" He asked, beginning to sound sullen._

_"At Flourish and Blotts, when I was getting my books. I met a boy who was coming here for his first year, and he told me all about the different houses. He seemed to think that Gryffindor was the best option."_

_"Well, that's just his opinion…" Severus started, before I interrupted._

_"You guys do know that you don't just get to pick what house you want to be in, right?" I asked, lounging back in my seat._

_"Yes, but don't you think that your opinion is taken into the matter?" Lily countered._

_"Touché." I smiled. "But I still don't think that we need to get so riled up about it. I'd be happy in either Gryffindor or Slytherin, personally."_

_"I guess you're right." Severus conceded, relaxing his tense posture. "There's no reason to get upset about it." He paused, looking at Lily. "I just wanted us to be in the same house, that's all."_

_"Aw, Sev, me too!" Lily said, giving him another hug. "And Rathien too!"_

_I laughed, as she continued, "You know, I bet you guys will get along just great! Rathien's from a muggle family just like me, Sev."_

_"What sort of family are you from, Severus?" I asked him._

_"Half and half." He responded. From his tone I gathered that there was some trouble with his family, trouble that he really didn't want to talk about. I could definitely understand that, couldn't I? "My mother's a witch."_

_I wanted to ask more about what he must've learned from her, but as the subject seemed a little sensitive, I decided that I'd better not. Thankfully, it was at that moment that the train started to slow down._

_"We're here!" Severus exclaimed happily, his gaze racing to the window._

_"Oh man!" I said, also trying to look out the window to see where exactly we were._

_We left the train in the throng of students all milling out, our eyes looking all over to take in the train station. I felt like we must really stand out as freshman, what with our expressions combined with our lack of height, but I just couldn't care. At that moment I was so excited to finally be somewhere that I actually felt like I would belong that I totally pushed aside all of my unpleasant feelings about my past and my family back in Scotland._

_"Firs' years this way!" A gravely voice called. We looked up to see the largest man I'd ever seen before. He must have been at least seven feet tall, with a thick mass of dark hair covering his face and head. Briefly, I realized that I would most likely be terrified of him if I would've met him under any other circumstances._

_"Firs' years, over here!" He called again, waving the first year students over to the side._

_Lily, Severus, and I followed a crowd of other first years over to the edge of a lake, where several small boats were waiting for us. I turned around briefly to watch a fleet of carriages, that were being pulled by no horses, depart down the narrow lane towards what I assumed was Hogwarts School. Why were we taking boats?_

_"Alrigh' everyone, gather 'round!" The large man called. "Divide up now, three to a boat!"_

_Lily, Severus, and I went over to claim one of the boats, stepping inside it quickly, eager to get to the school. Surprisingly, the boat started off across the lake by itself, without us having to row. _It's definitely going to take a lot to get used to the whole magic thing_, I mused._

_Suddenly, as we were drifting slowly across the flat, black lake, the glittering shape of a castle came into our view. It was the most incredible sight I'd seen in my eleven years. Larger than any modern building, this was an ancient castle, clearly built back in the times when castles were more common. Several towering spires rose from the building in majestic swirls, glittering in the night sky. Part of me, the part that wasn't marveling at the beauty of the building in front of me, was wondering what I had done to be able to deserve this. Surely this was all a dream? I couldn't really be here, could I?_

_As our boats touched the ground softly, I was called back to reality. I looked over at Lily to see her face in a mask of awe and wonderment, gripping the hand of a very similarly struck Severus. I smiled to see them so happy, and followed them with the others up the steps of the castle. As I was stepping up the first stair, I looked over to my left to see a boy a short distance from me. Our eyes met for the briefest of moments, but it was enough for me to be struck by how incredibly perfect he was. But it was something more than just perfect – he wasn't just unbelievably gorgeous. There was something about him that I felt draw me in, some indescribable force that made me feel like I'd known him all my life, instead of having just seen him for the first time. As we watched each other, he gave me a cocky grin and winked. I blushed, smiling back at him before I turned to watch where I was walking._

_And good thing I did. We were entering the main entrance of the castle, which was completely spectacular. We ended up in a large classroom just within the entrance, where a rather severe-looking professor stood waiting for us._

_"Welcome to Hogwarts!" the woman greeted us, her voice controlled and slightly severe, but not lacking in warmth. "I am Professor McGonagall, and I am proud to have you all here with us this year. Now, in just a few moments you will be taken to the Great Hall, where you will be sorted into one of the four houses. Those houses are Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Huffelpuff."_

_"Slytherin sucks!" Someone coughed nearby me, followed by the giggles of several other students in the room._

_"If I were you I wouldn't start talking that way about the houses before you find yourself sorted, young wizard." Professor McGonagall said, looking stern and grey. I briefly wondered what she looked like when she smiled. Could she even smile? It didn't seem like her face would be able to form into that gesture. "Now, just wait here for a moment, and I will be back to get you in a few minutes."_

_After she left the room, everyone burst out into an excited chatter. I turned to see Lily and Severus talking animatedly, and I figured that they were debating the virtues of the Slytherin and Gryffindor again. Having no interest in participating in this again, and also feeling like I'd just be a sort of third wheel, I turned to my right. As I scanned the crowd, I met the eyes of the same boy as before._

_"Hey!" He called, pushing his way over to me, followed by another boy that he indicated to follow him._

_I smiled at him. "Hi."_

_"I'm Sirius." The boy whose eyes I met said, grabbing my hand and kissing it in a jaunty gesture. "And this is my new friend James Potter." _

_I grinned at the other boy and smiled at me. "Nice to meet you…" He said, waiting for my name._

_"Rathien Westwood." I said._

_"So, Rathien Westwood, what's your story?" Sirius asked me, putting his arm around my shoulders like we'd been friend for ages. "What brought you here today?"_

_I turned my head to get a better look at him, then responded, "Now that's one story that's far too complicated to just tell you straight away. I'm afraid you'll have to earn it."_

_He grinned at me, while his friend James came around to my other side and put his arm around my waist. "I like this one!" James said, jostling me._

_"Attention everyone!" Professor McGonagall's called out, having just returned to fetch us. "Follow me, please!"_

_"It's time!" Lily squealed, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with her to the front of the line. I gave Sirius and James a smile before allowing myself to be pulled along behind her._

_As we entered the Great Hall for the first time, I found my head tilting back farther than I thought it could go, straining to get a complete view of the ceiling. Or lack of a ceiling. Above the far-reaching beams there was nothing but the night sky above us, clear and twinkling with stars._

_"Wow." I whispered, overwhelmed by my surroundings._

_"It's not actually the sky," Lily explained to me in a whisper, "they bewitch it to reflect what's going on outside."_

_"Bloody hell." I responded, finally letting my gaze leave the incredible ceiling. What I saw around me was just as incredible, if not more. The room was large, with several long tables stretching from end to end of the immense room. At the front, where we were headed, stood a massive table at which was seated who I could only assume were the professors._

_Professor McGonagall instructed us to stand in a line at the front of the room, while she went off to the side to get a stool and a hat._

_A tall man wearing long silver robes rose from the front table to stand in front of us, folding his hands together in front of him. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, first year students!" He called, surveying us wit a keen eye. "I am Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of this school, and it is my pleasure to welcome you both new faces and old. First year students, you will all be sorted in a moment into one of our four excellent houses, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Huffelpuff, and Slytherin." He announced._

_He then looked at the hat on the stool, and I briefly wondered what was supposed to happen now? As the silence grew, whispers erupted among my fellow first years, though no one said much at the house tables. Clearly something was going to happen. Then, just when I thought that I couldn't take the waiting any longer, a wide rip in the hat appeared, opening as if it were a mouth preparing to speak. What I didn't realize was that it was._

_I listened in awe as it sang about the four house at Hogwarts, and the qualities of those belonging to each. I wasn't sure where I would fit, because nothing seemed quite right. I had faith in the sorting process though. After all, this was how it had been done for ages, and I can't imagine that the hat made all that many mistakes._

_Clapping erupted around the great hall, accompanied by cheering by most of the first years. Personally, I was stunned that a hat had just sung a song to me. I felt at that moment that I was just at the cusp of Hogwarts, and that by the time I was out of here I would end up a totally different person, unrecognizable to myself now. I wondered if I would be a better person then, or if this was a mistake. It couldn't be all that bad, I rationalized to myself. After all, I'd already learned a huge measure of independence just getting myself to where I was standing now._

_"Now, as I call your name, please come up to the front and sit on the stool to be sorted." Professor McGonagall told us, unraveling a long sheet of parchment. " Abernathy, Evelyn!" She called, clearly starting at the beginning of the alphabet._

_I watched as the young girl walked shakily up to the front and sit on the stool. After Professor McGonagall put the hat on her head, Evelyn sat for a few moments. Then the rip in the hat opened as it shouted, "Ravenclaw!"_

_I watched as more students were sorted before hearing the name, "Black, Sirius!" called by Professor McGonagall._

_I watched Sirius walked confidently up to the stool, sitting on it nonchalantly. His expression was mostly calm and collected, but I thought that I saw something lurking behind the surface. I studied him as he sat under the hat, wondering. As he mumbled a word that I couldn't understand, I thought I saw something akin to defiance in his expression, mingled with what looked like fear._

_"GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted after the longest time it had taken yet to sort someone. I saw a large grin break out across Sirius's face as I strode over to the Gryffindor table. All around the hall whispers broke out, seemingly stunned that he had ended up in Gryffindor. Why was that?_

_I pondered the mystery he presented for a while until Lily was called up. I squeezed her hand for luck before she went up, smiling at her. I wasn't sure, but I was willing to bet that she wouldn't end up in Slytherin. Severus would be crushed._

_And sure enough, only after a few moments the hat called out, "Gryffindor!" Cheers broke out at the Gryffindor table yet again, and I heard Severus let out a sigh next to me. Understanding his conflict, I put my arm around his shoulders, not saying anything. He needed a friend right now, especially considering the conflict he was now sure to be feeling._

_The next person called that I recognized was James, and he also went to Gryffindor. As I watched him swagger over to the table, I couldn't help but wonder what he would have done had he not gotten chosen for Gryffindor. _

_It wasn't long before Professor McGonagall reached the end of the alphabet, and I heard the name, "Snape, Severus!" called. I gave Severus an encouraging nod and smile as he looked at me before heading to the front. I felt bad for him; either way the hat decided, he was screwed. I didn't have to wait very long before the hat announced, "Slytherin!" to the large chamber. Cheering came from the Slytherin table on the far end of the room, accompanied by a hissing from the Gryffindor table. I looked over to see Lily sitting, looking for all the world like she'd just realized that she'd made the first step toward loosing her best friend. Poor Lily. This whole house thing was really taking a lot out of people._

_"Westwood, Rathien!" I heard called shortly after, interrupting my thoughts. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to the front to sit on the stool. I clasped my hands together as Professor McGonagall placed the sorting hat upon my head._

_"Interesting, interesting." A voice murmured in my head. I was confused until it continued, "You've got quite a bit of a mess in here, oh yes. Hhmm, yes, quite a mind. Oh my, what potential you have there. But not Ravenclaw, I think. You don't seem to see education as everything, do you? No, not Ravenclaw. You've got courage too, yes, plenty of that. There's also a thirst for power here, my dear, quite a drive for domination in you." I was startled at this. Surely I wasn't power-mad? "Oh, no dear. Nothing that extreme." The hat commented. "But Slytherin would help you reach your potential. Although, you do seem to have a thirst for friendship, a desire to be close to others. You're definitely not a loner." So where does that leave me, I wondered._

_As soon as I thought this the rip opened to scream, "GRYFFINDOR!"_

_I opened my eyes, never having realized that I closed them, to see the other students cheering for me just as they had for everyone else. Smiling, I walked to the Gryffindor table to sit next to Lily, who hugged me as soon as I reached her._

_"Congratulations!!" She squealed to me, smiling from ear to ear._

_"We're in the same house!!" I cheered to her, hugging her back before we both sat down._

_As the sorting continued, I looked around at the other people near us. I spotted James and Sirius just a few people down, talking animatedly. Closer to Lily and I was a mixture of people that I hadn't seen before, must looking our age, with a few that seemed slightly older than we were. As I continued looking around the hall, I realized that I was in a room filled with witches and wizards. I realized that I was a witch. I realized that I'd finally come to a place where I was supposed to be, a place where I had every chance to enjoy myself. And I was determined to make the most of it._

_*end flashback*_

Rathien stood from the edge of her new bed, where she'd been sitting. Yes, back then she'd been different. Optimistic and filled with an energy that would never be beaten down, no matter how much she was dealing with. Realizing that she was acting like a fool by forgetting what she really was, Rathien straightened her shoulders. She was Rathien Westwood. She was a witch. She had talent, and she was strong. She was confident.

_But she doesn't have friends_, a small voice insisted in her head. _She should just go back to Romania where she belongs. Slither back and hide where she'll be safe._

Rathien knew that wasn't her voice. She wasn't that person. Furrowing her brow, she wondered what was actually going on. She didn't even really think that. It was like it was being thought for her.

"No one thinks for me." Rathien said, low and deadly to herself.

Pulling her bedroom door open, she stepped out into the hall ready to show the rest of the Order that Westwood was back. And this time, nothing was going to stop her. Not ever again.


	4. Meetings Aren't All From Hell

**Chapter Four: Meetings Aren't All From Hell (Just Most of the Time)**

**Author's Note: Yes, I know that I haven't updated in forever. I realize that. I would try to make excuses (like how busy I've been), but that's not really good enough. I honestly will try to be better, but I can't really promise anything. Just know that I'm still working on the story, and I will continue to update it (however slowly that happens).**

On another note, I've switched to using first person for the entirely of the story (I feel like it just works better), so sorry about that switch. Also, this chapter is much shorter than the others. I was going to put a flashback in at the end, but it was all fluff that didn't really need to be there, so I just cut it. Honestly, you're not missing anything with that.

Lastly, no copyright infringement is intended with this story.

_Playlist: Happy The Hard Way by Every Avenue_

_ *Link on my profile_

"Rathien Westwood." A slick voice said to my right. I turned, having just come in the kitchen doors, to see Severus Snape standing by himself.

"Sev!" I cried, launching myself at him to give him a massive hug. "It's been way too long!"

He seemed surprised at my enthusiasm, but returned the hug nonetheless. In truth, I was surprised by myself. Severus had been my friend, even though we'd gone our separate ways many years ago. In fact, I hadn't seen him since we'd just gotten out of Hogwarts.

"I'm so glad you're with the Order." I whispered to him, pulling away. I always knew that he had something good in him, he was never destined to stay with the Death Eaters.

He didn't say anything, just gave me a look, clearly dismissing that entire vane of conversation.

"I see you've finally come back." He commented, an amused expression on his face. "Vampires finally let you go?"

"No, actually. I left on my own." I said loftily. "Dumbledore contacted me."

"I'm surprised." He said, almost mocking me. "I didn't think you really had what it takes to make a break from a vampire coven. Most of the whores don't seem up to it."

I didn't say anything for a moment. Truthfully, I had no idea how to react. In the past, I would just slap him and be done with it. But now that just didn't seem right.

"I'm so sorry that you can't seem to grow up and be a man, Severus." I said in a quiet, deadly voice. "I really had hopes for you."

With that I turned on my heel and strode to the table, where a few members of the Order were already seated. I noticed Sirius watching me, a strange expression on his face, and I paused for only a moment before going to sit next to him. I wasn't sure why I chose to sit here, the way I had when we had Order meetings so many years ago. I wasn't with him anymore, but I still felt the need to unite with him. Like we were still in harmony with each other, agreeing on the best course of action, able to stand together against the world.

"It's good to have you here." Sirius said, still staring straight ahead, not looking at me as I stared at him.

"I know." I responded quietly. Above all else, above my confusion and my mistakes, I knew that it was good to be here, next to Sirius. It was like this was where I've always belonged. "So what's on the agenda tonight?" I asked him, curious. "I feel so out of the loop."

"Well, you would feel left out, considering." He stated, finally turning to look at me. After a moment that confused me further, he relented. "Snape's obviously going to be giving his report first, and I'm sure we'll continue to discuss guard duties and recruitment. You're here also, so you'll probably be asked to report on the vampires. I'm sure that Dumbledore wants to get them on our side."

I frowned, knowing that it had to be something like that. "Figures." I muttered.

"Chances of that not looking good?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I'm not sure that I would say that so much. It's just much more complicated than that." I paused, furrowing my brows. "Even after all the time I've been with them, I'm not sure I really understand the dynamics of the vampires."

"You should have stayed here then." He said simply, looking away from me again.

Thankfully, the meeting was called to order then, and I didn't have to figure out a way to salvage that awkward conversation. Part of me felt like Sirius and I should just talk about what happened. After all, that would probably be the easiest solution. Instead, we were just going to sit here and work around it, pretend like everything is fine, like we never actually were…well, what we were. How long could we just sit and pretend like we're just old friends?

I shook my head to dispel my musings, instead focusing on the matters at hand. With Voldemort returning to power I certainly had enough to think about. Looking around the table at the rest of the Order members, I couldn't help but wonder what the war was going to be like this time around. How many more people would have to die?

The meeting went just as Sirius had predicted, and I found it startlingly easy to shift back into the old roles that I had played for the Order. Sirius and I still seemed to see eye to eye on most matters, and it was hard to remember why we hadn't actually made it together after all.

"As you all know by now, we have one of our own back with us it England after a rather long stint in Romania." Dumbledore began finally. "Rathien, it's good to have you back."

This was followed by a brief round of applause, which Dumbledore quickly ended. "So Rathien, what we'd really like to know is how the Romanian vampire coven feels about our current situation."

"Well, I'm not so sure about that." I began, pulling myself to my full height. "The good news is that they're taking this very seriously, and are currently in the process of deciding what they want to do about it." I paused for a breath before continuing. "I've never been officially allowed to sit in on any of their council meetings, and I'm not privy to any of their actual discussions, but I have learned a good deal. The way it stands, they're very divided, but it seems to me like they're on the cusp of the final decision. Most of them seem to be siding with us, which is huge. If we can get the Romanians on our side, most other vampire coven in Europe will likely follow their lead. On the flip, there is a strong group of Voldemort supporters in the coven. So I guess that we're really just waiting to find out what happens. I've been pushing for the Order, but I can't really guarantee anything."

Their was a brief silence as everyone processed the information that I presented so suddenly. Finally, Dumbledore asked, "When will we hear from them?"

"The week after next." I responded. "Henry LASTNAME's going to let me know as soon as they figure it out."

"Good." He said, continuing the meeting on similar veins. I breathed a sigh of relief, glad that we were done talking about the vampires. I had no intention on discussing the matter at length, mostly because I wasn't sure what was between myself and Henry. I left without really saying anything to him, and now that I've been here, I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation. Part of me felt like I'd just used him to run away from everything. Maybe I needed to go back to my life and finally face what's going on.

It didn't take all that long for the meeting to be officially over. In reality, there wasn't much to talk about. We didn't really have very much we could do, seeing as Voldemort was flying under the radar at the moment.

"So what do you think?" Sirius asked me, turning to face me at the table.

"About?" I prompted.

"Harry." He said, surprising me. "How much do you think he should be told?"

I paused, considering. "Everything, I guess." I sighed. "He needs to know about the prophecy especially. After all, every one of us has heard about it know, except him. And he's the one that it's actually about! We know that Voldemort wants it, and he's going to try to manipulate Harry some way, we know it. He needs to be prepared."

Sirius rubbed his hand across his face, looking tired. "He's so young. It's not right."

Softly I said, "Nothing about Harry's life has been fair. Not ever. He's had to deal with so much so young. I know it's not right."

Sirius finished my thought, "But it's the way it is. And he has to know this too." Sighing he dropped his hands to the table. "We'll have to tell him tonight."

"At dinner." I said, agreeing.

We were both silent for a moment, letting the awkwardness of our situation seep in. Thankfully, Remus chose that moment to come over and sit across from us.

"Hello, Remus." I said quietly. "Long time no see."

He smiled sadly, emphasizing the deep lines in his face. Lines that I hadn't seen before.

"You look so old." I murmured, unintentionally. Sometimes things just slip out.

He laughed out loud, his smile broadening. "I would say the same about you…" He trailed off. Sirius tensed in his seat as Remus spoke. How did everything end up going back to the whole vampire thing? Why couldn't we get away from it? Were we really all going to have to talk about this?

"Well, I guess that what you get." I said wryly. "How have you been?"

"Up and down." He answered. I was tempted to laugh; that was such a typical Remus answer. "I suppose everything could always be worse."

I smiled at him, commenting, "I heard that you were at Hogwarts for a year."

"Always knew he'd end up a teacher." Sirius noted dryly, making us all laugh.

For just a moment, it was almost as if nothing had really changed between any of us. After all, here we all were, just sitting together laughing, like old friends. The way it used to be.


	5. A Long Way Gone

**Chapter Five: A Long Way Gone**

**Author's Note: So I must apologize for how long it's taken me to update. It's not even remotely okay. But I am still working on the story, if that's any excuse. Thank you all for reading, and sticking with me! I'd also really appreciate reviews, of any sort, so please take a moment for that!!**

_**Playlist:**_

_The Devil Plays the Piano by the Innocent Bystanders_

_ Shed My Sin by The Pigott Brothers_

_*Note: These songs are on youtube, so instead of posting that link on my profile, please just go directly there (that's just easier for me)_

I tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep. I was staying in one of the smaller guest rooms, sharing my space with Tonks, who I'd come to found out snored in her sleep. It was extremely annoying, especially considering that I barely knew her. If we'd been remotely close to being friends, then that would have been fine. But she wasn't. I knew her sort of vaguely, as someone that the Order had accepted recently. She was new, and very young. Also clumsy. I hated that, figuring that she probably was only inducted as an Auror because she was a Metamorphagus. I hated that more that I could express. Sure, she was probably a decent person, but I was suddenly overcome with anger. I had to get out of that room, had to get away from this snoring woman that I suddenly couldn't stand.

Wrapping myself in a blanket, I left the room, shutting the door quietly behind me. The effort it took not to slam it almost bested me.

"Argh!" Someone yelled as I moved out of the shadows. "Who's there?"

I said nothing, sizing up the voice. They were too far away for me to recognize, but I knew it was one of the children. Not too young – his voice was deep enough that he might be of age. I wasn't sure.

Aiming my wand, and shot the stunning spell at him silently, watching him fall to the ground. Keeping up the pretence, I approached him slowly, moving in the edge of the shadows. Sometimes young ones needed to have the fear put into them so they could understand the gravity of the situation they were in. It wasn't a game, and I didn't think some of that grasped that quite yet.

As I neared him, I saw that it was one of the Weasley twins, Fred or George I wasn't sure. I wished that I could tell them apart. Using a name is also better.

I swept down, closing my hand around his throat with slight pressure suddenly. "You're lucky you're not dead right now." I growled quietly. "When you see something moving in the shadows, you don't just announce your presence, begging to be killed. What if I had been a Death Eater? Do you think that they cannot penetrate these walls?" I shook him, watching the shock in his eyes.

"Young Wesley, you have a lot to learn. And I suggest you learn it fast. Children don't survive long in war." I stood, muttering the countercurse so he could move again. I expected him to leap up immediately, furious at being bested and humiliated. Instead, he just lay there, watching me with his eyes.

"You're a bit up-tight, aren't you?" He said, a grin feathering across his face. I couldn't help but notice how it transformed his features. It was like he had been made to smile.

"How do you think I've survived this long?" I asked quietly. "It's not a game. You can't treat it like that. You have to be serious."

"Dead serious?" He quipped.

I almost smiled. I swear I did.

"God, ease up." He said, standing up and stretching languidly.

"I did enough of that sort of thing when I was younger." I responded. "I don't do that anymore."

"You don't what?" He asked, suddenly serious. "Relax? Have fun?"

"No, I don't. Not any of those things."

I stared at me for quite some time, totally silent. He wouldn't understand. He was just a child. To him, the world was suffering now, but it would get better. He had his whole life ahead of him, years of happiness and love. Years without fear, terror, and war. All I had left was the bad. That was all I deserved.

"You deserve more." He said, still quiet. It was as if he had understood what I hadn't said, what I was thinking.

I laughed, choosing to be amused. "You say that now, but you really don't know me all that well. In a few weeks, you'll probably be saying just the opposite."

He didn't smile back, or even laugh. I wanted him to laugh. "I beg to differ." Was all he said.

"We'll see." I said, turning and heading downstairs to the kitchen.

My plan was to get some milk and go find somewhere to curl up. With luck, I'd find a comfortable sofa somewhere so I could get some sleep.

"Can't sleep? Too used to the vamp schedule?" A sardonic voice asked from the table as I walked in.

"Sirius." I greeted him. "Too big a stick shoved up your ass to sleep?"

He laughed, deep from within like he used to, but with a moderated volume. I noticed that, realizing that he'd changed. The old Sirius wouldn't have had any consideration for the others in the house that were sleeping. He would have just done what he pleased.

After grabbing my milk, I sat across from him. I put my arms on the table, almost touching him, but not quite. Even after all this time, I couldn't help but feel some strange draw to Sirius. It wasn't like what I felt with Henry. That was…unhealthy, dangerous, wrong almost. This was different. It would be hard to describe – something like light and correctness. It was fulfillment and longing, happiness and life. Life. That's what Sirius was.

I reached out, placing my hand over his, gripping him tightly.

"I'm sorry." I said simply, unsure of how to convey what I wanted to say to him. I wanted to say that I was wrong, that I should never have just left. That I should have stayed with him. That I should have had faith. That I should have been a better person. Someone deserving of him.

"For what?" He asked gruffly, staring into my eyes.

"Letting you stay in Azkaban." I answered, surprising myself. I didn't know that I had blamed myself for that too. "I should have tried to do something, get you out somehow."

He smiled sadly at me. "I was guilty. At least that's what the world thought. Why would you want to rescue the man who killed Lily and James?"

"I knew you didn't do it." I answered honestly. "Of all the people in the world, everyone that I know, even myself, there isn't anyone out there that I understand more than you. I know you. You'd never do something like that. I never for a second believed it."

He didn't respond, just bowed his head, apparently fighting some great emotion. When he finally spoke, he surprised me. "Do you remember when we first met?"

"Of course." I said quietly, emotion in my voice. I didn't want to do this now. I suddenly didn't want to be talking to him anymore. I wanted…to talk to Henry? What?

_Don't sit there anymore_.

"Now I'm hearing voices in my head." I said, wondering why I could hear Henry. If I was going crazy now, wouldn't I have a different voice?

"What?" Sirius asked, clearly confused.

I jumped about a mile when I heard it again._ Get away from him. You don't want him. You hate him._

"I think I might be crazy." I said. "I just…I'm not sure." I gripped my head between my heads, completely disconcerted by the recent turn of events. Shaking my head, I tried to dispel the feeling of wrong that had come over me.

"Is it _his_ voice?" Sirius asked, suddenly intense, leaning forward to me.

_Get away from him_. The voice commanded me.

I stood, confused and uncertain. Part of me knew that this wasn't right, that I should try to defeat it. The other part of me knew that it would be just so easy to listen to the voice, and leave the room. I turned away from Sirius, as if to leave.

Suddenly he was behind me, gripping the tops of my arms tightly.

"Rai, no." He said. "He's trying to keep you away from me. You've been there too long – he's using the blood bond to control you. Don't listen."

The weirdest thing – I suddenly had two very conflicting things going on inside me. Part of me understood Sirius, knew that he was right. The other part, which seemed to run through me like a life force, was of the other opinion, pushing me away from him.

"Rai." Sirius whispered in my ear. "You know what you really want. You know that you need to stay here. _You_ have the control. Not anyone else – not him, not me. No one dictates what you do, except for you. Listen to yourself."

He knew exactly what to say to me, I realized as I relaxed and was able to sense the voice – the outside control – fading. I sighed, and turned to face Sirius, who moved back a pace.

"What the hell was that?" I asked him, quietly, once more conscious of the sleeping house around us.

He moved back into the kitchen, going to grab mugs for us, and I followed, sitting at the table.

"I've been doing some research." He explained as he worked. "Well, I started it all those years ago, when you and he…well, you know. And now that I've been…out…I was able to finish." He paused, looking back at me. "I think I understand now."

"Well, I guess that makes one of us." I said, rather grumpily.

Chuckling, he turned back to the hot chocolate that he was making us. "It's called a blood bond. Not many people know about it – the vampires are very secretive, and they very infrequently let anyone in on their…schemes."

He set a mug in front of me, and I wrapped my hands around it, a negative feeling pooling in the pit of my stomach. "The blood bond?" I asked.

"Yes." He said, sipping quietly. "It's formed when a vampire feeds off a witch or wizard – which obviously doesn't happen much, as you know."

"Socially unacceptable." I repeated. "Yes, I'm familiar with that." I was indeed. I couldn't help but remember the criticism that Henry and I had faced when we first had gotten together.

"Well, I guess that there's a reason for that." Sirius explained. "Most people don't realize that anymore, since it's been so many decades like that has actually happened."

I nodded, following his story attentively.

"Well, the basic facts of it are this: the magic in the wizarding blood forms a bond with the vampire who feeds off them. Some of their magic is transferred to the vampire, not in the way you would think. Their skills with spells and all that – it doesn't increase. They just develop this sort of power over their…victim. It allows them to have a control over them, to influence their emotions at first, and after enough time….they can really take control."

I was silent, unable to speak. Unable to process. Control? Was that really a plausible explanation? It seemed like the sort of story that Sirius would concoct, sure that no one could have resisted his 'charms' without outside influence. Without outside control.

But was it all just that? Part of me, a very deep, very true part of me, sensed the truth in what he was telling me. Everything that had happened, my leaving, my not coming back, my letting Sirius rot in Azkaban. Not going to Lily and James' funeral. All of that was the sort of behavior that was nothing like me. What if I hadn't changed at all? What if I had been influenced? What if for all those years, I didn't realize that I was being controlled?

But then, where was the total harm in that? Wasn't Henry just doing what he needed to in order to keep me? Didn't that just show how much he actually cared. Even if it was a little twisted…

"I need time to think about this." I whispered.

"I know that it's hard to take in right now…" Sirius started.

I cut him off, "No. You don't know. You have now fucking idea what I'm trying to process right now. You haven't known me for twenty years. What makes you think you still know everything about me?"

He was silent for a moment before answering. "Because I love you."

"Jesus H. Christ." I said, shoving roughly away from the table. "You've always been like this, you know? All showy, and ostentatious. Sure and arrogant. And you know what? It's always been about you! You've never really been thinking about me at all. It's always you. Just like when we first got together."

"How does that even make sense?" He countered, standing to face me.

"You weren't concerned with me then either. You were too busy with yourself and what _you_ wanted, and how _you_ felt about us."

"That's not even remotely the way it happened." He stated, growing angry now.

"Oh really?"


	6. Memories of the Past I

**Chapter Six: Memories of the Past: The Christmas Ball and the Snow Ball**

**Author's Note: Yes, you must be shocked. I know. Two updates in the same week? The reason is that this flashback has been written for a long time now, and I've just been looking for the right place to put it. Enjoy and please review!! Please?**

_**Playlist: This Week the Trend by Relient K **_

_**And**_

_**I Don't Need a Soul by Relient K**_

_*Flashback…December, Rathien's Fifth Year*_

I woke on a cold Tuesday morning, full of anticipation, and dread. Last night at dinner Dumbledore announced that Professor Slughorn was hosting Hogwarts' first Christmas Ball. I had always had a good idea of the general mood of others, so when this announcement came, I felt the rise in spirits of most of the students. I however, didn't feel very optimistic about this event. Sure, it would have been loads of fun…if I had a date. I assumed that no one would ask me, as no one had when I was attending muggle school. This event was sure to be a waste of time. And depressing too, of course.

I dressed without enthusiasm that morning, wearing the school robes, and taking my hair out of the French braids I had slept in, and pulling the front of my hair back in a barrette. I crossed the room and studied my reflection in the mirror. I was tall, with long billowing locks of brunette hair cascading down my back, wavy today, due to the previous day's braids. I was thin and rather pretty looking, but had an intelligent look to me. Or at least that's what I liked to think.

"Good morning!" Lilly Evans chirped from behind me, just getting out of bed. "You're up early."

"Yeah, I wanted to grab an early breakfast, then stop in the Library to get a book." I said, turning with a smile towards my friend. Every since our first year at Hogwarts, Lily and I had been close friends. Of course, I supposed that I was a rather odd duck, and preferring not to get to know the other girls that Lily was friendly with. I spent quite some time with James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, however. The boys never really let me into their group, sharing all of their secrets, especially lately, in their fifth year, but I was fine with that. I never really minded spending time alone. And anyway, I didn't like to hear Sirius brag about the girls he had dated, it made me uncomfortable. "See you later Lil." I said as I swept out of the door.

I went to the Library first, picking up a fictional novel, and then headed towards the Great Hall for breakfast. I propped her book open against a jug of orange juice, and helped myself to eggs and bacon.

The book was good, very interesting. I quickly became deeply involved with it, loving the plot twists, and character developments. I jumped about a mile when someone grabbed the orange juice, causing my book to fall, and close.

"Jerk!" I exclaimed, looking to see who had disrupted my reading time, only to see the exuberant face of Sirius Black smiling at me. He sat next to me on the bench, and turned towards me.

"You read too much you know, it's unhealthy." He said. It was easy to pick up on his mood, ecstatic. I wondered why, he couldn't have already gotten a date for the ball, could he?

"Yeah, shut up, Sirius." I said, picking up my book, and carefully marking the place I was at. "What?" I asked, looking at him, for he was still watching me. "Don't tell me you took a happiness potion, or something."

"No, I'm just in a good mood, that's all." He said, and as I got up he added, "Don't forget about Quidditch practice tonight! Right after classes!"

"I never do." I said, and headed back towards the hall.

The day was dismal for me, watching other people get asked to the ball, but never myself. I wondered if I wouldn't even be going, it was so pathetically sad for a girl to end up taking herself. Surely there had to be someone that would ask me.

I saw no hope though, and after classes, quickly changed into jeans and a sweatshirt, and headed out to the Quidditch Pitch.

There weren't many people there, just James and Sirius. I walked towards them, waving in greeting. "Hey guys!" I called, trying desperately to dispel all of the gloom the day had possessed. I dropped my broom and pulled a black hair tie out of my pocket, to pull my wavy locks out of my face. I was aware that Sirius was watching me, which made her a bit uncomfortable.

"What?" I asked. "Isn't a girl aloud to pull her hair up in public or something?"

"No, I just never noticed your hair has red in it." Sirius said, smiling as he had been all day.

"Did you talk to Lily yet?" James asked, his voice bubbling with anticipation, as he ruffled his hair.

"No. Why?" I responded, feeling like I already knew what he was going to say.

"I just wondered if she accepted my invitation to the ball or not." He started. _Sure enough,I thought._ "She walked away after I asked her, and I was just wondering if that might have meant yes."

"No James, anytime a girl just walks away from you after you ask her out, that's defiantly not good."

"Oh." He replied, downcast.

"Don't worry, she'll say yes eventually." I said, and smiled at him. Of course Lily would end up saying yes to him. It was obvious that the two of them were meant to be, she just didn't realize it yet. _I wish that I had someone I was meant to be with, I thought, depressed. I wish that I didn't care so much that I'm so alone._

Practice went well, as the team was exceptionally good this year, but it wasn't their best. James was significantly downtrodden, as was I, even though I was trying not be so stupid. I knew that I was acting like an idiot, but I knew that I couldn't help it…that's how I felt. Was it wrong to be so sad about being so utterly lonely?

After practice, the team shouldered their brooms, and headed back towards the castle. Sirius and I were last, walking together. "Want to go with me for a detour in the forest?" He asked me quietly, leaning towards me. I could have sworn that she saw James turn to him and wink.

"Sure." I replied just as quietly, startled. What did he want? I hoped that he wasn't up to some stupid trick, because I really wasn't in the mood for it.

We walked silently towards the forest in the still, evening darkness. I wondered how long this was going to take, because I was ravenous after the long day, and equally long practice.

Deciding to break the silence, I asked Sirius lightheartedly, "How long is this going to take, Sirius? I _am_ hungry, you know."

He laughed and led the way into the maze of trees. "Not too long, Rai. I won't keep you from your supper."

As we approached a small clearing, Sirius stopped, and leaned against a tree, folding his arms across his chest. I stopped, and stood with my hands in my pockets, staring at him. I wondered what was going on with him.

"So." He said, and then paused, seemingly searching for words.

"So." I responded, smiling slightly. I had gotten suspicious, but didn't want him to know that I was thinking I knew what he wanted.

"Rai, uh…, I was wondering if you could do me a favor." He said, and when I nodded, he continued, "You know Heather Gretten, right?"

"Yeah, seeing as she's in my year, I probably would. Not to mention the fact that I find her to be a moron, undeserving of her flocks of admirers." I responded unsmiling, not liking the direction the conversation was turning.

"Well, do you know if she's going to the ball with anyone?" He asked, looking past me into the dark confines of the forest.

"Actually, I happen to know that she's not yet. Six guys have asked her so far, all of which she's turned down." I responded.

"Do you think you could see what she would think about going to the ball with…me?" He asked with difficulty, then added quickly. "I was going to ask her today, but I don't want to just be rejected, you know? I thought that it would be better if I got someone to see what she thinks of me before I actually ask her."

Getting angry, and feeling slightly hurt, I responded, "Well don't even think for a second that I would do that. You should know. Why would you even ask me that?"

"Because you're my friend. In fact, you're my only friend that can do this. None of the guys could, you know that." He said, waiting for my answer.

"I will by no means get involved with your petty infatuation, and immerse myself in this stupid ball business." I said crossly, quickly turning and walking away. I hurried out of the forest, not letting Sirius see my face, knowing that it betrayed my true emotion—hurt. Little did I know that he felt much the same. He of course, got over that quickly, and went to talk with James about how to ask Heather out.

I went up to the top of the astronomy tower, my usual place I went when I wanted to be alone. I felt so utterly stupid. I'd had a crush on Sirius for a long time, maybe since our first year. I'd never really thought that anything would happen between us, which was why I was able to hang out with him so easily. Now that I had actually thought that something might happen, well, I was crushed. I couldn't bring myself to leave the tower for the rest of the evening, letting the tears fall from my eyes.

Crying really was a healing thing. I didn't do much of it, in fact I prided herself in crying very little. When I did though, it just seemed to help. I felt clean and fresh after a good cry, ready to look at any situation with a new eye. And this new eye realized that it didn't matter. I didn't need to be such a…teenager. So what if I had feelings for someone who didn't return them? So what if no one asked me to the ball? Why was that such a bad thing? In all honesty, none of it really mattered. I wouldn't let it matter. I didn't need anyone. Not a soul.

*To Be Continued…


End file.
